this is just to say I am SO enjoying all of the JE posts happening thanks to funkytownosaka 's summer music challenge and I am learning SO much (namely, that I love SixTONES,,,) and really hope I know enough/more next year (or next challenge!) to participate.

For now I'm just so happy to check out all these MVs and learn more about all of these boys!
Thank you to everyone participating and thank you for such a fun event!!

my little messy painting corner with my new easel
making bad art with it in the privacy of my home
my new stupid expensive gaming chair for shortasses
stretching, walking, moving
sports anime (relation to the above: proven)
my friends, one and all
zoom calls with my (chosen) family, however short
buying my favourite niece kaiju tshirts for her 4th birthday
cooking food I enjoy making and enjoy eating
making things with my hands, even when the motivation seems so-so
sending some of those things to my friends
new friends! friends of friends who become friends
all the gay people in my phone
crying about oc's all by myself
dungeons and dragons
writing poetry in my phone
tea
sleep
and you

so it's april apparently

actually, despite all evidence to the contrary I'm feeling alright today, and for the last couple of days - maybe having a breakdown day last week really did help reset the humours. it probably also helps that I have dnd this weekend

Things I have been up to: making so many more books, just so many, and while the mania has passed (I no longer feel like if I don't work on a book I'll go insane) I'm still enjoying the process, which hopefully means it's a lasting hobby and not a flash in the pan. Enjoyed learning this little lighting bolt stitch from youtube.



I have also been back at painting, and finished my first wholly oil painting this week - reference photo is by Jack Davison, who does some great portrait work, but I did just fully find this on tumblr and go 'hey neat', so. Exceptionally pleased with myself. It's getting framed and I'll need to finally bite the bullet and put some hooks up to hang on.




Oh yes, that's the other thing - residency visas came through, so I won't get kicked off terf island. yet. for now. unfortunately. I guess. but anyway.

Planning to meet my dad in Europe later this year while he's trotting around on holiday. Might get to see Venice with my favourite family. That's neat. I'm also already planning my ren faire outfits for US friend trip 2024, because it's never too early for moodboards and I Must get to hold my friends in person again or I'll expire.

It's nice to have plans for things that don't suck. Here's to more of that.

I am currently suffering the herculean labour of setting up a new phone, a problem I bring upon myself by hating autosync and refusing to back my life up to the cloud, like some kind of luddite. no tech billionaires need the ability to weaponise my blorbo photos against me, so now I must bear the cross of transferring them all manually from one phone to another. mine is the greatest struggle.
not that I exactly needed a new phone at all, in that it is technically still functioning. though without any 4G connection which is surely going to become problematic sooner rather than later. so, new phone before I find myself stranded with a brick, as opposed to afterwards.

one step forward (new phone) one step back (cassette player), them's the rules. apparently.

elsewhile, I had both a good art class this week and an excellent day at the ceramic studio. as my throwing teacher is on my instagram and had acknowledged my name change announcement - honestly I adore this woman - I sent the main organiser a head's up before going in that I had changed my name, and she was equally lovely about it. so that's really fucking nice. I'm not sure I'd ever had the need or the chance to say the words "I'm nonbinary" out loud before without a written introduction already established so that was - nice. especially when compared to how uncomfortable the idea of being out at my art class makes me, now, and how many aspects of my life I simply can't change anything in.

also, I made a couple of bowls. one might become a yarn bowl, because I fucked the rim up. stay tuned for more riveting updates lol

oh yeah you're going to get WELL sick of me, the blogging bug has finally returned with a fury

but!!! it's the 31st! so I get to do lists!

I have seen a trend this year of people casting their reflections/resolutions in terms of what they would like to leave behind/what they would like to take forward and I really vibe with that
however, anyone who has ever seen one of my dnd characters will tell you how much I hate looking backward lmao, so I'm just going to focus on that second part

I've made a lot of small changes to myself and my perceptions of self, and where I put my energy in 2022, and that's the main thing I want to keep rolling. I also did a couple of big things and those were fucking fantastic, so I definitely need to knuckle down and pursue some bigger, scarier things in 2023 - or at least set the foundations for really going for them in 2024. No more procrastinating until it's too late to go to school so I may as well stay home. we out here breaking cycles, yo

because I do love memes I am going to collapse my many specific goals into three mottos for the year to come. those specific goals are for me, and I know accountability of this particular kind works far better for me in the overarching theories than in sharing the minutae. so:

Be More Cringe
I have achieved new levels of cringe in 2022, I say sitting here in my peak eddie munson cosy chic of a judas priest tshirt, hellfire club hoodie, and officially licensed dungeons and dragons sweatpants - plus the big skull ring - so yes, I know. finding new levels of cringe to reach may take effort. but I am willing to dedicate myself to the task of finding things I enjoy and enjoying them Out Loud and in the most embarassing ways possible. joy is real, eat it whole

Take it Easy, But Take It
rest and work are not incompatible, if both are done the right way. I spent a lot of 2022 adjusting to the freedom and ability to rest and learn and enjoy myself, trying to re-teach myself how to use my spare time for things other than scrolling and gachas and spending my time and energy on and for other people. I am learning to take it easy. but I also need to learn to take it. I gotta get shit done, I gotta get my affairs in order and solidify the spaces I have carved to expand my heart, without sacrificing that time and space to the work of it. take it easy but take it. (weaning off the gachas is a good start)(especially for my wallet)

Hit Da Bricks
if I pull death (stubborn) or the tower reversed one more time I think my tarot cards will actually physically manifest in my house and kill me [note: I have not done my new year reading yet, so if I die consider this motive]
this one is the tough one for me (no matter how easy it is for me to espouse it to others, lmao) because... it is. I am still a Taurus rising; I like stability and comfort and familiarity even when I don't actually like it. but if I'm going to make space in my life for the things I actually want, I gotta clear out the old, even if there's still use in it if there's no joy in it it's gotta go. and sometimes the thing that has to go is me. there are less limits to this than I like to pretend. I can achieve the unfeasible.


that's it! happy new year to those who follow the less sensible calendar; happy new planner day, happy go to bed at 11pm night, happy list-making or list-throwing away. whatever you do, do it with gusto.

I feel like writing again, so... why shouldn't I? [bilbo voice] why shouldn't I...


slowly embracing the many-icons return by mixing some newer blorbos in. I think I want to sit and fiddle around in csp and make some old-school lj icon styles out of them when I can be bothered getting out of my chair and going around my desk to plug in my tablet. life is a burden, etc

I do feel the steddie mania may have passed, a quick flash in the pan of 11k words of fic in a week barfed onto ao3 (and probably the same in wip docs - will I finish them? who knows) but it was a nice enough fire to warm myself by and is still smoldering enough to cup my hands around. I did also, somewhat embarassingly, buy two whole pieces of eddie munson merch (not counting the big skull ring) so we'll just absorb that into my personality and move along without further comment now, shall we? (this is a lie. there will be more comment. I have almost exclusively listened to music released prior to 1986 for the last month. my spotify wrapped next year is going to be hilarious.)

on a segue from that, I had to stop myself from buying a cassette player the other day. a sudden craving for physical media and material enrichment despite the absolute nonsense of it considering the stage and state of my life, or more likely because of it. I am only going to be weirder and worse in the next six months while I wait to hear whether residency is approved or whether I need to suddenly drop everything and flee the country. I'm still not sure which I would prefer, but I would miss the lovely basket I just bought if I had to leave it behind.


isn't it nice?

other impulse purchases include a bookbinding kit and a very nice wooden baren for printmaking which means I should really. do more of that. possibly both of those things in combination. or literally anything to use up some of the stack of art supplies threatening to bury me alive

though there are worse ways to go, I suppose

I really need to redo all my icons again... I'm not used to this freedom any more

well. it's new year's eve, again. you know what that means, folks
it's time for

MOTHERFUCKING LISTS

but first: 2021.
actually I haven't kept many lists this year, but there are things I feel accomplished about that I want to remember. I learned how to knit colourwork, and I've started a project big enough to be intimidating. I've kept friendships alive, and made new ones, and carved out or been welcomed into spaces that are comfortable and wonderful to exist in with those friends. I'm still playing dnd. I've made efforts to improve the way I treat myself; my diet, my time, my thoughts, my energy. I've gotten better at budgeting. I've secured a better, more stable job that isn't full of racist tories. I wrote things I'm happy with, and read things I've loved. I've started painting, and am enjoying myself. I've read, like, SO much manga. I've laughed until I cried more times that I can count. I've actually watched shows rather than just put them onto the neverending list of one-day. I've said yes to some things that scared me, and no to some things that I didn't vibe with. I've helped people, I think, with advice or money or whatever I could give that was needed. I left more good impact in the world than bad, and that's the real goal of all of this.
Despite all of the shit, all of the bad nights and worse days and death and worry and sickness, it was good. there were good times. I can choose to remember those, without forgetting the rest.


and now, for what's to come.

well. we're all in a bit of a stare-down with 2022, aren't we? armed and wary and weary alike. Rogue One was my choice of NYE watch for many reasons. Rebellions are built on hope.

So in 2022: I will have hope. I will hope that my plans to see my dad next year, to see as many friends as I can wedge into three weeks and at least five states in a trip around the US goes ahead. I will hope that I can finish my big knitting projects, and make the trip wearing something I've created myself. I will hope that I can make choices that are difficult and dangerous to my apathy, and I will hope the outcomes will put me forward. I will hope that I can climb back up when I fall. I will hope that I can continue the plans I have laid, and lay new ones. I will hope for the health and wellbeing of my friends. I will hope for my own. I will act to make it happen. Because hope is nothing without action.

I was going to do an actual list - real goals, concrete details, but I think I'll do that on my own time. I'll leave you with this hope instead.
I hope you are happy, and I hope you are safe, and I hope you know I love you.

Happy New Year, you filthy animals.

Weirdly enough, I don't really miss writing right now?
I think I'm happy enough for it to be a - seasonal thing, for me, a when-I-feel-like-it, a fun addition to my day when I want to pick it up and play with it, like any number of other hobbies I have littered around my house. I don't want to become beholden to the false rules of productivity so I simply won't. I refuse to feel bad for not doing a thing that I'm meant to be doing for fun, and I especially refuse to consider not doing a let-down for anyone else who may be watching.
My itch is being well enough scratched right now with longform rp's and chatfic, most of which is egging others on rather than making the words myself, and that's - that's where my joy is sparked right now. Same goes for reading fic, which I've barely managed in the last year, even for things written by friends - apologies to the mountains of fics in my ao3 inbox and marked for later, one day I'll be able to consume words again - but I just don't feel the draw to engage much right now.

I did read 402 chapters of haikyuu in a week and a half, though. That very much did happen.

Anyway.

This probably all sounds like I'm trying to convince myself I'm fine without it, but it's more a reassurance to anyone else who might be wondering what is inhibiting my joy, to which I say: absolutely nothing. My joy just isn't in writing, right now. And I'm happy with that.

I have got a lot of knitting done lately though. Just wait til I finish this hat I'm working on.

forgetting to sign out before I reply to love memes, I'm just a catboy I don't know how to read